The title of this blog post describes how I have felt my entire life...always just on the outside. I've always been a part of a group, always had friends, joined a very popular sorority in college, tried a mommy club, etc. Yet even when I was right in the middle of it all, it still felt like I was just on the outside, not quite accepted into the mix. Maybe it's because people don't let me in or maybe it's because I don't let them in. Whatever it is, I'm not sure, but it is a lonely feeling.
I'm surrounded by people at home, at work, during my kids extra activities, but somehow I always just feel a little lonely. I feel like they just don't "get" me. I guess I'm writing this post because I thought I would feel better if I wrote it all out. Writing in a diary when I was young helped me through a lot of tough times. It's like once you write it down you can let it go.
So I am trying to write, something I haven't been able to sit down and do in what feels like months. Writing is supposed to be an outlet, and not taking advantage of that outlet is just not a healthy choice for me.
Lately, well more each year I am forgetful. I get confused and I forget stuff. I hate forgetting stuff. I always end up feeling like an a-hole as home or work. I hate that because I really do try my hardest to get it all done, on time, and well. I feel like I am always disappointing everyone.
Everyday I see more gray hair and more spots that should be checked be a dermatologist after years spent in the sun. I haven't been able to stay focused to lose these extra pounds I've been carrying around that makes me depressed, even though I tell myself that no one cares. I think I am a classic example of someone that didn't live up to their potential.
Just a pity party over here tonight, not sure why but I thought that writing about it would help me feel better. I used to be so confident and self assured. Now, I'm just an overworked mom that's always forgetting we're out of milk.