Monday, June 27, 2011

Always Just on the Outside

The title of this blog post describes how I have felt my entire life...always just on the outside.  I've always been a part of a group, always had friends, joined a very popular sorority in college, tried a mommy club, etc.  Yet even when I was right in the middle of it all, it still felt like I was just on the outside, not quite accepted into the mix.  Maybe it's because people don't let me in or maybe it's because I don't let them in.  Whatever it is, I'm not sure, but it is a lonely feeling.

I'm surrounded by people at home, at work, during my kids extra activities, but somehow I always just feel a little lonely.  I feel like they just don't "get" me.  I guess I'm writing this post because I thought I would feel better if I wrote it all out.  Writing in a diary when I was young helped me through a lot of tough times.  It's like once you write it down you can let it go.

So I am trying to write, something I haven't been able to sit down and do in what feels like months.  Writing is supposed to be an outlet, and not taking advantage of that outlet is just not a healthy choice for me.

Lately, well more each year I am forgetful.  I get confused and I forget stuff.  I hate forgetting stuff.  I always end up feeling like an a-hole as home or work.  I hate that because I really do try my hardest to get it all done, on time, and well.  I feel like I am always disappointing everyone.

Everyday I see more gray hair and more spots that should be checked be a dermatologist after years spent in the sun.  I haven't been able to stay focused to lose these extra pounds I've been carrying around that makes me depressed, even though I tell myself that no one cares.   I think I am a classic example of someone that didn't live up to their potential. 

Just a pity party over here tonight, not sure why but I thought that writing about it would help me feel better.  I used to be so confident and self assured.  Now, I'm just an overworked mom that's always forgetting we're out of milk. 

9 comments:

CM said...

{{hugs}}

Honey, we all feel this way sometimes. Hang in there. Get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning :-)

Heather said...

We are so alike, I am reading a book right now and this passage struck me. "Many women today feel a sadness we cannot name. Though we accomplish much of what we set out to do, we sense that something is missing in our lives and -fruitlessly- search 'out there' for the answers. What's often wrong is that we are disconnected from an authentic sense of self" Emily Hancock

Tiffany said...

I know how you feel. I could have written most of this myself.
I never thought about writing in my journal again to help with those feelings. It sounds like a good idea.
Keep your chin up, you're not alone. Really.

Michele said...

I hate feeling that way. Writing down is a great idea to help get it out. Hang in there.

Tezzie said...

You put my own feelings into words much better than I ever could...and the really sad part is, that I see Munchkin developing the same feelings/behaviour...already at the age of 4½. My biggest wish for her is to feel a part of a group and that she belongs, and not have to go through life feeling like she doesn't fit it. I'd SO like to spare her all that negative stuff!

Hopefully it helps to have gotten your feelings written down...and to know that others can empathize.

Hugs <3

SmartBear said...

Ah....I can empathize with this A LOT. It's been spinning in my brain lately. I just turned 36 and it was a hard moment for me because I realize that I have an amazing husband, a wonderful child and I have great friends. I like my work and I look for ways to make an adventure out of life but honestly...I am lonely.
For me, I think it's a present moment thing. Like if I just take a deep breath and accept everything going on in that moment, WHATEVER moment it is...I feel more whole. I also think I had to admit that I need to invest more in myself. Not a new skill for work or losing weight, but creating a little pocket of life and DOING for myself.
I hope the sun comes up and finds you feeling supported.
Big hugs.
Best,
Tina

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I'm totally with you about feeling just on the outside and it sucks. Then I say something to a friend and they are stunned that I feel that way...that they couldn't imagine me having a crack in my self-esteem...really???

Anyway, forgetfulness? Yup...it's a bitch.

Danifred said...

I'm sorry you feel that way I think that over the years, I've felt this way too, but I hide it by keeping myself overly busy.
If it counts, I think you are awesome. Truly.

L. Merical said...

Metaphorically I'm always there for you to slap your butt and tell you it's juicy!

On a serious note: You're SO brilliant. You've been there for me for what feels like forever, and you're so talented as well (and we know you can't teach that! lol). You run your shit and don't let anyone tell you how to do it otherwise, I mean, how else could I have learned from the best?. As for the gray hairs- mine are coming in white! Jeff and I are officially calling them "wisdom hairs", and I suggest you do the same. Also: Get thyself to a derm dr. pronto sister!

If you're having problems with balance, try making a list- a real live, physical list, or look into some time management strategy (believe it or not, I think I still have the stuff MH gave me and it was really helpful). Don't ever, ever let them work your harder than you earn....and I mean that part, almost more than the rest.

Anyway, I love you always.


PS: Forgetting is like pooping- everybody does it.