Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Me.

Besides a mom, wife, daughter and co-worker, I'm just me. 

I feel like I am the same person inside that I was at 17.  Looking in the mirror brings me back to reality.  Crows feet, gray hair, C-Section scars and too many extra pounds to count...I'm me but...weathered. 

I don't like myself right now.  I actually hate the way I look.  I hate the way my clothes fit, I avoid my reflection whenever I can.

It's been a slow climb up the ladder of self loathing to my current weight/appearance.  I haven't had a hair cut in almost 2 years and I've just recently forced myself to put eyeliner on before I leave the house in the morning.

I ventured out of my comfort zone tonight and went to my first spinning class.  All I can say about it is that I made it through.  I was afraid I'd have to hobble out mid-way, but I hung in until the end.  You would think the seats would have more cushioning... Luckily, the mirror was behind me so I didn't have to see myself at all and as a bonus they turn out the lights so no one else can see you either. 

I have to somehow figure out how to like myself again....

9 comments:

undomestic chica said...

Good for you! Way to stick through it and make it through the whole class.

krayzid0rk said...

Go treat yourself to a day. Go get a haircut, scalp treatment and have them style you. Throw on some makeup and feel pretty! I'm sure your kids don't even notice, they love you regardless! Sometimes it's just a simple day of getting my hair done that makes me feel like a whole new person. I've done it about 3 times just being pregnant and it does wonders. The other stuff can wait, that's always a work in progress but as a stylist I know how quickly a change can happen with hair and attitude. :)

Shell said...

I am afraid of spinning class. But, I hope you can find out a way to like yourself again...to just be fabulous you.

Kristiina said...

I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I think that as parents, but especially moms, we tend to lose ourselves in the everyday routines. And always put everyone else ahead of our own needs. I am guilty of losing myself too...sometimes I wonder if there is more to me than wiping faces, changing diapers...cooking, cleaning. I guess that is sort of why I started the crafting business...to do something for myself...my therapy of sorts.

purseblogger said...

{{{HUGS}}}
I completely understand how you are feeling. I weigh more now than I ever have. I have to force myself to put eyeliner on too. I exercise pretty regularly but something is still missing. *sigh*

For the Love of Naps - Sarah said...

oh dear! It is a hard time of year for many people I think. The transition of seasons, the idea of change and not seeing it in ourselves. Hang in there! Go get yourself a new spring top. KEEP UP the great work with the spinning! And go get a haircut! Even just a few inches will make you feel fresh! You deserve a some pampering girl!

tami said...

i can't quite remember how i found your blog (but i think it was thru the SPD blogger network), but i am thankful to have read this today. my little man (who we suspect is SPD) has been a HUGE blessing since we adopted him 2 1/2 years ago, but it has been a long 2 1/2 years. i can relate to your post on many levels (but i think i have cut my hair 3 times in the past 2 years). hang in there. being a mom is hard and being of mom of a little guy with some special challenges takes it's toll sometimes. blessings!

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

The more you do for yourself, the better you'll feel...maybe not right away while your va-jay-jay is healing from a spin class, but eventually. You're finding your worth as a woman rather than a mother...there is a difference and you're starting to see how important it is!

I wouldn't be a good Long Island girl if I didn't give you huge KUDOS for the eyeliner...it's the little things.

The Random Blogette said...

I definitely agree that you need to take some time for yourself. A new fun haircut always makes me feel better. Even just painting your nails or toenails can make your day perk up. I am also struggling with finding myself amidst being just a working mom and it is hard. Good luck, hopefully someday it will get easier.