Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween



The boys were wild and happy and ran from house to house shouting Trick-or-Treat! My sweet Cowboy and my Lil' Devil. Blake seemed to enjoy handing out the candy even more then having it plop into his own plastic pumpkin. They didn't even notice when it started raining. How wonderful it must be to be a child on Halloween...it must seem so magical...pure joy.

Uh huh...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Target



A quick trip tonight. Quick and crazy as usual. We generally attract a lot of attention...I thought some of you may like to see why. I can only imagine what people are saying behind my back.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday Night...




I love my boys but I have to admit I look forward to the quiet that begins once they are in bed and asleep. Some days feel like a marathon. Today however was exactly how I like it...no plans, no where to be, simple dinner, boys in bed, glass of wine and some TV time.

Tomorrow is Friday and it has taken forever to arrive. I'm looking at a big week ahead with Halloween (oh crap I still haven't found the little cowboy boots!), Blake's 5th Birthday, and my husband will be in Boston all week. He says it's for work but we all know it's really a vacation...isn't that where the Sam Adams Brewery is? Hmmm.....I wonder where I should go on my week vacation...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Mediocre


Talking with another mom friend of mine today and this is the word that we used...Mediocre. As working moms, and wives we feel mediocre. Mediocre Mom, Mediocre Wife, Mediocre Employee, Mediocre Friend, Mediocre Woman. I keep so many things going and I'm trying to put everyone first and I usually end up last and still I have pleased no one.

Growing up there was one reoccurring theme or observation made of me by my teachers. It was, "She has so much potential if she would only apply herself." Did I not apply myself, did I not live up to my potential, am I mediocre? How as a 30 something woman am I supposed to rebuild lost self confidence? I thought by the time I was this age I would know everything and in actuality, I feel like I know even less.

I think I am doing a good job as a mom, I certainly hope so. I hope my boys know how much I love them. I hope they know that in my eyes they are my greatest accomplishments...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Crutches

I am a school photographer, preschools mostly. So every day I haul all my equipment in and out of my car, up and down hills, over thresholds, around chatting moms who have no idea or care that I am actually one of them too;) So, this morning was not unlike any other...and boo hiss it was raining too! I pile all my stuff onto my trusty hand cart so I can wheel it across the parking lot. I hoist it up over the curb and CRUNCH! The whole damn cart lands square on my foot and I close my eyes and bend over my throbbing foot and think about what an ugly bruise that is going to leave. I stand up with as much dignity as I can manage but I don't think anyone saw...

I go on about my day and photograph about 50 children. I enjoy a lovely long break where I get to sit in my car and read a book, YEP READ A BOOK! Then back for round 2, 75 more little smiling ones. Mission accomplished, I stand up and almost fall to my knees the pain is horrible! I've had 2 C-Sections so I think my pain threshold is pretty high and this is some of the worst pain I have ever had!!! I make it to Urgent Care and come out with an Ace Bandage and Crutches. Yes, I'm glad it's not broken but all I can think about it all the time I wasted and the trouble I put my family through. The boys were raising hell and whining for me...my poor husband looked like he was about to run for Costa Rica by the time I got home. Did I mention it's also my Yoga night...sigh.

Boys are in bed and my foot is up. I have a glass of my favorite red wine sitting next to me, I think I deserve it. Cheers to Advil!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Keeping it all Straight

No matter how hard I try I can't seem to keep it all straight. I could use 100 calendars and I would still forget things. Even when I'm on a roll remembering events and turning everything in on time...oops I forget something else. It's so frustrating and I always feel like it's one step forward, 2 steps back. My husband tells me something and it goes in one year and out the other. Once upon a time I thought I was smart and I never had to write anything down...I could just keep it all in my head, well not anymore. Whatever it is, it's frustrating and I always end up feeling like such a failure like I've let everyone down because I forgot to buy bread at the store or I didn't realize the milk wouldn't last through the day. Tomorrow is always a new day and a fresh start...what was I saying? Oh crap, I forgot...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Marine Corps Marathon



Big day for me and the boys. My husband was running his 2nd marathon so we were off to cheer him on. As has become a tradition since his first big race my dad and step mom tag along to help with the boys and just hang out and have fun. Coffee is always a big plus on race day and today there was a Starbucks right next to our spot on the course, convenient, yes! Tall Pumpkin Spice Latte, please:) After a having the Flu a week ago our runner was a little off his pace which meant we were waiting longer for him than planned...the boys occupied themselves with fallen leaves and a traffic cone, go figure...Blake ran out to Daddy on the course when he ran by and it was a super sweet moment. A quick trip to the moon bounce was in order for 2 somewhat patient boys that only caused me to run out onto the course and retrieve them about 45 times. All was well until I had one of those horrible moments moms hope they NEVER have. I couldn't see Blake. He was in the moonbounce and then he wasn't. I grabbed my 2 year old and started screaming for Blake. He was only out of my sight for about 20 seconds but it felt like an eternity. It's amazing what can pass through your mind in such a short amount of time. He had just come out the other side and was walking back around the front for another turn. After that I was DONE with that and so off to lunch we went. Lunch was yummy but chaotic with 2 boys who had been out of their element all day!

A big day for everyone involved. I realized that when out and about with my children my arms are always full. I am carrying them or bags or cameras or groceries...or all of the above. My arms are tired! Looking forward to bed tonight:) I only watched but I feel like I ran a marathon too!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Pumpkin Patch & Potporri




Happily we made it to the Pumpkin Patch today. I think my husband thought I was nuts for rushing us all out of the house by 9:30AM to beat the rain to the Pumpkin Patch. I was right as it turns out, started pouring soon after we returned home. The boys rain wild around the patch and through the corn maze. We picked two perfect pumpkins for the front porch. A visit to the Patch wouldn't be complete without a ride on the Cow Tractor Pull - watcha call it? It was windy and wonderful.

Now to the Potporri part...

The boys and I had to run back out to the grocery store tonight once I realized there were no tortilla chips to go with the Salsa I bought earlier in the day. There are only 2 regular check out lanes open on a Saturday night and 4 self-checkouts. The lines are 6 people deep with overflowing carts and I just have one bag of chips! I am invisible, no one sees or cares that I have a struggling toddler in my arms and a 4 year old on the loose that I am desperately just trying to keep in my line of sight. I have to ask here...What is with those self-check out lanes??? It takes twice as long to check yourself out thanks to all the security measures they have built into those things. My son sat on the hidden scale and so my chips weighed more than they should thereby locking everything up. I look around for the attendant who can help me but she is completely unaware of my need for assistance. Did I mention that Blake is grabbing all the candy and asking if he can have this and that and my arms are full of a 2, make that almost 3 year old who's main purpose in life at that moment is to free himself from my arms and get his feet on the floor. I actually yell out, "Help Here, Please!" This high school kids rushes over to help me. He couldn't have been more than 18 years old. I remember being 18 and I certainly didn't appreciate it as much as I should have...Now I'm just one of those crazy 30 something moms!

Friday, October 23, 2009

TGIF


Friday night has arrived...I'm so glad. I'm sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, snuggled up with a blanket, my laptop, and an empty wine glass. Going to bed soon. Hoping for a few dry hours in the morning to take the boys to the Pumpkin Patch. Boys and Pumpkins usually makes for a pretty good photo-op:)

Looking forward to Halloween, couldn't help but post this photo from last year of me just finished dressing the boys for Trick or Treating, B the Fireman and C the Bumble Bee!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Why a Blog?

Why a blog you ask? I've been thinking about that myself, "Why a blog?" My husband asked if I had any followers and I said a few, but that got me thinking...I'm writing this blog for myself. Sure I would love to share my thoughts and experiences with anyone who may be interested but mostly the writing is just for me. I love to write. It wasn't until recently that I found my love for writing after so many years. As a girl and a young woman I kept diaries and wrote in them religiously everyday from middle school through much of college. The act of writing, putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper or in this case typing them into a laptop is extremely therapeutic. Negative feelings and fears are released once written and joyous feelings are shared. I know so many people that could benefit from writing. Someday when I'm old and gray I hope to write a book and even if no one reads it or it's never published as long as I finish it that will be good enough for me.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Confession of a Mommy...

OK, here goes...I hate the playground. There, I said it, I hate the playground. Oh, I said it twice. I'm not exactly sure why, various reasons I suppose but honestly, it is one of the last places I like taking my kids.

When they were younger I hated it because danger seemed to lurk around every corner, sharp edge, and/or drop off. I mean just about every playground I've been to has at least one section that is wide open and 15 feet off the ground and just waiting for a recklace 3 year old to fall backward right over the edge. Have these playground designers heard of broken bones, not to mention head trauma, I mean seriously. I spent the first 3 years climbing after my sons as if I too was 3 years old. Those tunnels at McDonalds...yeah, I've been up there too and you DO NOT want to see how gross they are inside.

Now that the boys are older and much more independent I can actually sit on the bench and watch but that means I now have to watch out for the safety of other children with mine on the loose. Today for example I see my little one on the 4-way see-saw with 2 older kids. My Cade doesn't want the other boys to rock the see-saw so he discreetly reaches over and pinches the boy 2 years his senior. To the untrained, coffee-toting, mom all is well on the see-saw, but I know better...By the way, I'm not chatting with those moms because it's always in that minute that I miss something I shouldn't have or end up not knowing who really threw mulch first so I usually end up sitting there by myself...

Maybe I should just relax. Maybe next time I'll take a cup of coffee:)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's all in the bag...

I'm digging around in my purse for a hair tie and connot believe what I come across...

1. Diaper
2. Croc Jibit
3. Can of Diet Coke
4. Surgical Mask
5. Pacifier
6. Tide to Go
7. Wipes
8. Small Pharmacy
9. 6 Pens
10. Lollipops



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Almost Quit'n Time!

I'll be on the road towards home and my babies very soon:). It's been a long day at work. I have Yoga tonight but I'm feeling guilty about missing Blake's T-Ball game...


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Monday, October 19, 2009

Back to Work

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. The boys and myself are feeling better but I still don't want to go. I enjoyed the time with them, it was unplanned and unexpected, and it brought me so much joy. I haven't spent so much down time alone with them since I was on maternity leave. I fear that Cade will have some serious separation issues tomorrow...we have a saying for him, "I can't quit you ma!" He has been a mama's boy from day one. I remember trying to hand him off to T so I could escape to Target or simply take a shower and my happy baby would go from content to coniption in 10 seconds flat! He's not even 3 yet but I think he has said, "Mama" a millions times. 10 Years ago I thought I was going to be a career woman and I thought I was going to make a lot of money. Money, I have learned is not the key to happiness. I gave up a big career and a lot of momey because I don't want to work all the time, I want to live my life on my terms. I feel sorry for workaholics because I know what true love feels like...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Can't Sleep.

I can't sleep...which is crazy since the boys and I have been sick all weekend. Now is the perfect time to sleep...except I can't. I was thinking about my mom. We haven't spoken in almost a year now. I don't feel like going into all the nitty gritty details right now, but I'm thinking about my sleeping babes down the hall and I can't imagine a day going by without speaking to them but I haven't spoken to my own mother since last December. Recently, there was a picture of my 4 year old as an infant and my mom on the computer...curious, I asked my son, Blake, "Do you know who that it?", and he said, "No, who is it?".

I feel sorry for people who harbor negative feelings towards others. I feel sorry for people who can't forgive and learn to let things go. I have these 2 beautiful boys here and they have no idea who my mother is. They haven't done anything to deserve this and I fully believe that she could only gain joy from having them in her life, no matter what she feels or thinks about me.

I miss my mom and I hope she misses me. Last December I gave her an open invitation to visit my home and my boys...and I've never heard one word from her since then. The absence of my mom affects me more than I let on. There are many days as a woman, as a mom, as a wife, that I need her advice and experience to help me through. Instead I have to figure it out on my own. What I wouldn't give for a close relationship with my mother...oh how I miss her so and feel the void of her in every aspect of my life.

On the Mend!

Everyone is on the mend after the Flu here in H1N1-Ville! Funny quote by Blake today who couldn't keep his hands out of the freezer..."I'm gonna get my Pedialite Pop!" Seriously, he could have been on the commercial!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Quality Time

I had the best day with my boys despite the fact that we were all under with the Flu. I have to give thanks to my husband who got up early with the boys and let me sleep in until 10:00am! I don't think I've slept that late since Blake was born! The boys were so happy to see me when I finally made it downstairs. They were feeling good from their doses of Children's Motrin, good stuff by the way!

We spent so much time snuggling together and I enjoyed every minute. We had popcorn for breakfast and watched The Incredibles. We baked cookies (the break n' bake kind). We played Candy Land, Go Fish, and completed an Alphabet Puzzle. Cade took a long nap but Blake and I were wide awake so we snuggled and giggled under the covers together:) We camped out on the couch and watched, "Annie" and Blake actually liked it. Before I knew it...bedtime had arrived. Blake was starting to wilt and was so sleepy that he went to sleep first. Cade was a fire cracker and so he stayed up for an extra hour. I never ever get alone time like that with Cade. We watched Baby Einstein and he ate 5 mini microwave pancakes (an unbelievable amount of food for this kid). I looked at his sweet smile and his beautiful blonde curls and thought how lucky I am to be his mom.

Today was a good day. We spent some real quality time together, no distractions like housework, shopping, T-Ball, chores, errands...it was just us. Makes me realize how important it really is to just stop once and awhile and get down on the floor and play cars, or help with a puzzle or sit on the couch and watch "Cars" for the 100th time just because they love it and because I love them.

Friday, October 16, 2009

One of These is Not The Same!


...can you tell which one is different? Cade has taken to sleeping with this little Lightening McQueen from the Cars Movie. We have lost it a few times and he starts squealing for his "Piq-Car" as he calls it. We are not really sure what he is saying but the "Car" part is clear. So being the smart mommy I thought I was, I went out and purchased 2 additional die-cut Lightening McQueen's for emergency purposes...

I tried to pass one by as the real "Piq-Car" he practically threw it in my face. Maybe I should take them outside and scratch them all up on the sidewalk but something tells me he would still know. I was barely able to get it away from him to snatch this photo...you can see his little fingers reaching to snatch it away!

There is simply no replacing something you treasure that much. It is a one of a kind.

Home Sick




Home with my boys today...Muffin is sick but hanging tough! Pictured here: Muffin on the couch with 103.4 and this mornings mini Pancake Breakfast...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

H1N1

Yep, the Swine Flu...has invaded my home. My husband has been sick for a week with the flu. This morning I heard Cade calling for me at 4:30am. I went into his room and turned off the light (he likes to wake up and turn in on!) and when I layed him back down in his bed I could feel the heat through his PJ's. The back of my mommy hand was immediately on his forehead where it was burning hot. Down to the kitchen for ice water and the digital ear thermometer...103...great. Back downstairs for the childrens Motrin I go...dose Cade and tuck him back in...and then I hear Blake calling for Mommy. He's ok so far, just awake so I tuck him back in as well and paddle back down the hall to bed.

The worst part for me...I had to go to work. I had to leave my sick baby at home...it's a very difficult thing to do. Oh what I wouldn't do for a sick leave policy at work...alas that does not exist in my line of work and never will, which makes for a very stressed out mom!

I get home from work as soon as I can and take Cade to the doc. They don't even want us in the waiting room so we have to wait outside in the car...thanks goodness for Baby Einstein DVD's. Once we get in they send us through the office with Cade tucked under my sweater since he won't wear the scary surgical mask that I would imagine would freak out ANY 2 year old. Once in the exam room Cade comes to life, playing with the lightswitch, opening and closing the door, climbing on the chair. The cure for any sick child is to take them to the doctors...but seriously. The Doc says H1N1 but that he is handling it well and doesn't need intervention. He is a trooper my little one...

I'm not feeling very well tonight. I hope I don't get it. I hope Blake stays well and I hope my baby recovers quickly.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Almost 10pm & Still Awake!




It's nearing 1opm and my two year old is still awake. I even let the boys stay up an hour late tonight thinking maybe, just maybe, they would sleep in past 7am. Blake was asleep instantly and it's no wonder with all those cartwheels he's been doing all over the house. Cade is like the energizer bunny...he literally keeps going and going and going. I had big plans to start a new book tonight...at least I got a shower, even if the boys were in the shower with me! We watched the movie Cars and sat on the floor together and laughed. I used to think that they were better off with me working because it would teach them independence. Lately, there are many days when I'm not so sure that is still true. I miss them when I'm at work and when I get home I'm tired and I feel like they are not getting the best of me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I'm sitting here at work and wishing I was home with my boys. Wishing I was home with toys scattered everywhere, home with Lazy Town or Sponge Bob blaring in the background, home with a sink full of dirty sippy cups...but mostly home with 2 blonde and blue eyed baby boys. Sigh...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Like Bean Sprouts...





















They grow so fast. I've spent time planning Blake's 5th Birthday Party and it hits me...5? It's been 5 years since he was born??? How can this little baby have gone from a crying helpless infant to the hilarious little man that lives in my house and has a personality all his own? Time flies. They grow so fast that you don't notice the tiny changes each day and then you go back and look through pictures and you can't believe that you've forgotten just how little they start out. I realized that since Blake's birth and then Cade's birth 28 months later, I have been changing diapers for 5 years straight! Actually, there was even a brief time when they were both in diapers at the same time! Blake continues to surprise and delight me everyday...I love that he tells me to "Drive Safely" when I leave for work in the morning...I love that he still likes to snuggle with me...I love that he still wants me to pick him up...I love that he tells me to turn the radio up when we are driving in the car...I love that he loves his little brother. Five years from now he'll be 10 and my baby will surely not want to snuggle anymore.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Saturday Night...



It is dark and quiet in the house. The boys are sleeping soundly and I will soon be following their lead. It was a good day today. I enjoyed the boys so much. We started the day with milk, cheerios, coffee, and a dance party courtesy of Direct TV's Satellite Radio. We enjoyed lunch out at Panera even though Cade was stabbing us with his balloon soard the whole time! I love the way my babies cheeks feel against mine and the fact that they still smell like the babies I brought home...

Blake's continual requests forced me to drag out some of the halloween decorations and he now sleeps with a fiber optic ghost each night! Blake is going to be a cowboy and Cade will be Cupid this Halloween!

Mama is off to dreamland and will hopefully get to sleep past 7:30am tomorrow. I love my boys and they truly must be one of the main reasons I am here in this Earth.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Gray Hair


This is one of the reasons that I have more than a few gray hairs. Good thing he "looks" like an angel. TGIF!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Day...Ugh.


Today was a tough day. A longer than expected shoot at work (over 200 images) and lots of chaos left me deflated and worn out. I was starting to wonder if I was getting too old for my job. Squatting, kneeling, reaching, and bending...not to mention all the hair combing and nose wiping and on and on. Oh, and I especially enjoy it when a 3 year old sneezes in my face, that's the best! Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy my job but some days are tougher than others. The end of my work day came quickly enough and knowing I was heading home towards my baby boys made everything a little bit better. I got home and woke Cade up from his nap, dressed Blake for T-Ball and off we went. Poor Cade wasn't ready to hop in the car...cried all the way there.

The day is almost done and I'm camped out on my couch letting go of the fact that the house is a mess and the laundry is stacking up but I have no energy left. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have clean khakis for work tomorrow. One more day until the weekend...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Yoga






Since the birth of my 2nd son life has taken on a new speed, a new momentum, and a lot more chaos. I had been searching for a way to calm my soul both as a mom and a woman. I found Yoga. I am still a beginner at best but have found a new love in my life. Yoga is something just for me, although Blake has taken an interest in the practice and has a very decent Mukhasana (Downward Dog). I hope to grow in my practice and add Yoga to everyday of my life. The hardest part for me (besides the lack of flexibility in my hamstrings) is meditation. I am so used to the chaos of life that when it's quiet, when there is downtime, when it's time to rest my brain, it's at that moment that everything comes flooding back in. My yoga practice is a work in progress as am I. Namaste.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

This mommy, this woman has nothing left today. I am exhausted...must be from getting up with little boys multiple times from 4-6am. Lights out!

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Mother's Love


I never appreciated how hard being a mom really is until I became one. Having a child is the single most selfless act I can think of. You sacrifice your body, your career, and sometimes even your dignity. You become an entirely different person regardless of past experiences you are simply, a mother above all else. Being a mom in this century is even more challenging. I was raised to be a modern woman, to be independent, to get a college education, to have a career. Now that my babies are here I have come to realize that you can't be great at everything no matter how hard you try. Often I feel like a mediocre mom and a mediocre employee. I work full-time which I find both a joy and a hardship. If nothing else I know what it feels like to be pulled in multiple directions. In the end a mom sacrifices herself so that her children can become anything they want to be. Mothering is often a thankless job, changing diapers, feeding, wiping up spit up, cleaning floors, bathing, clothing, and on and on. Mothering is sometimes the most amazing job in the whole world like when your 2 year old lights up at the sight of you and says, "Hi Momma!", with the biggest grin on his face or when you get dressed for work and walk out of the bathroom and your 4 year old says, "Beautiful Mommy!" Children catch you off guard and often when you are exhausted they say or do something that makes it all worth while. I hope I raise happy and confident boys that grow into happy and confident men. I hope they always know how much I love them. As a mom I learn something new about them and myself every single day.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Super Sunday


OK, I'm exhausted and even thought it's after 8:30 PM I'm still wearing the clothes I slept in last night! I feel as if I didn't stop moving all day. I have done enough laundry for a small city and I have been cleaning and picking up clutter all day. One would think that by now my house is immaculate...far, far from it. How is this possible? All I can say is my boys are clean, fed, and asleep which tells me that I did something right today.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Proud Momma


So proud of my Blake for earning the game ball at today's T-Ball game. He worked so hard for it and wanted it so bad. After crying about getting out on 2nd, he turned it around and helped me organize the batters and make it to home plate. His smile lights up my whole world.

Good Morning...more coffee, please!


Typical Saturday morning here in my house. The boys have finished breakfast and have turned the highchair into a jungle gym. I'm wasting time on the computer and enjoying my early morning coffee before the day gets going.